Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
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ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
wow he looks just like him
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Arrest that man!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”