Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

somebody come look at this

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

kevin is now a local weatherman

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.