Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
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Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Reminder:
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
that de-escalated quickly
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.