Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I found your tweet-up…
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
so, is there a mister shapen head
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
Think I pulled my liver
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.