Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real