Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮