Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
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Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer