Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey