Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I think this might be relevant today.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.