Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
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me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
The biggest mystery of our time
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.