One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
You Might Also Like
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
choose your fighter
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
is it earth
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
socratic questions
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.