Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

LOL

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???