Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

Otters see a butterfly.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/950795984237314048/pu/vid/638x360/YpwRDuTNG1C6rrT9.mp4

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.