One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating