One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Roombas should bark
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.