One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs