@JohnLyonTweets

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

You Might Also Like

@AmishPornStar1

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

@joe_binkley

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

@Turbo_Jimmy

*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

@ecareyo

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

@TheMichaelRock

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

Twerky

I’ll show myself out.

@ahuj9

Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

@continentlbkfst

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

@rickolantern

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question