Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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Things that are loud:
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd
*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?
I’ll show myself out.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question