One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.