One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”