One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
This is why I hate group projects
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.