One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Anyone really
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.