Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

Howl 😭

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.