One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not