One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Breaking news:
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale