Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

The pen is writier than the sword.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

💀😭

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?