one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
You Might Also Like
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane