One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I’ll be mad as hell!
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[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
In case you needed to hear it:
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
when u come home smelling like another dog
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!