Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately