One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes


[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier


Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.


Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars.


her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel


We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.


7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time