One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I gave up going to work for lent.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!