Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

ugh not again

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

what do you want!!!!!!!!