“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…