“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
You Might Also Like
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Thinking about a snail with a limp
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.