One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
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BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.