One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
How high do the levels go?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered