Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

R.I.P.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

kids play hide and seek like