One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?