One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
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me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO