One cake enters. No cake leaves.
You Might Also Like
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
excuse me
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.