Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

lol

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe