Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

I fixed it. For me

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Seek kebab; not attention

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Seems a bit forward

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

finally

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57