One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Received some very disappointing news today
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You can’t outrun your problems…
Florida man
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I didn’t come here to be called names
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up