One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
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Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*