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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
