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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.