Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol