One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
You Might Also Like
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.