One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
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Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?