Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

how it started vs how it ended

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

How it started: How it’s going:

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.