One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
That’s what I call a flat tire
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.