Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

you’re not fooling anyone

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

What

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.