One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
We decided to have money instead of children.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Who’s your best friend?
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room