One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
when you are just born a rebel
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.