Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

Spider-cat: No One Home

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.