one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
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if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Yes, but it was never about money
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.