one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.