One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I’d rather fork than spoon.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.