One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…