Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.