*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
whenever i wake up before my alarm
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now