Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

can I use a minion as a tampon

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Unmatched

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist