Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

🤣✨#caturday

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season