*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Feels like the fourth month in January
❤️🦆
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The funk soul brother
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th