A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
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“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late