One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
He instantly became one of the bros
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
