Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Matt Goss

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.