One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

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Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.




Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon


I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.


Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.


I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.


MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.


[wife checking on me and the kids]
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?


wonder if ppl who watch the show Finding Bigfoot are aware that every episode they watch will end with them not finding Bigfoot…


Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW