@Kappa_Kappa

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

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@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.

@BigJDubz

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

@shutupmikeginn

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

@Madrass_badsass

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

@Frankie_Val

Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.

@underchilde

I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.

@sofarrsogud

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

@ericsshadow

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

@Parker_Simpson

wonder if ppl who watch the show Finding Bigfoot are aware that every episode they watch will end with them not finding Bigfoot…

@AbbieEvansXO

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW