Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

stand with me against insufficient seating

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

Word!

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom