One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Sunday
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
More like Kate Missington.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
dream blunt rotation
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
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