One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
bros in the example zone 😭
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?