One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
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If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.