One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.