One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?