One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
You Might Also Like
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
guys I’m going home
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
much to think about
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
i smell a pulitzer
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”