Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Banana is the quietest snack

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.