“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store


Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.


Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.


If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working


Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.


“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”


Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on



Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”


[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.


Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.