@T_Bonezzz_

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

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@dishs_up

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

@Reverend_Scott

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

@Adam14

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

@OfficialBanks93

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

@Dishy2101

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

@Elizasoul80

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

@SondraDeeMe

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

@lilgapeach30

Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.