Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters